Sometimes I want to read forever. 

But books take along time and I want to  binge on plot so I watched TV instead. 

family

A good night of television. 'Step Brothers' is really good-at least what I saw of it.
I only saw half since half way in Molly came home with a story of sucky times. She said she went with Chad's sister and mom and I groaned, because I hate stuff like that. Molly flips at that since, of course, its me being a crazy bitch rather than just being like 'dude that sucks'. (a side note, I am so fully sick of her shit. I'm only mean to her when she fully warrants it. Anymore I don't have to do anything and she's a fucking shitface to me. For example; we went for a family walk on Thanksgiving and I was talking to her about something completely neutral and nice and shes just like ugh get the fuck away from me I don't want to walk with you. And that kind of thing has be bleeding on the inside)
So then my parents can't let it drop that molly stormed off, although she always storms off about anything. I'm being monotoned and a bit funny (in my unshared opinion) and my parents are off on that, like its crazy. Perhaps I'm just trying not to cry. In the silence I have to try to breath even and listen to the tension. Then they go off about the same typical bullshit I couldn't care less about (I was always mean to molly so now she' s mean to me because she thinks I'm mean) that just gives her fucking license to be an asshole. Finally I start to get my father (who extends the drama by not hitting play on the DVD) but my mom has to say. 'Molly is just tired and she wouldn't want to come down anyway with Lana as that thing in the room. She'll talk to us in the morning and Lana will just sleep in till three..blahblahblah. And it's really hard to not cry.
And so I say, 'I hate you' because at that moment I do.
and then she's like, well leave if you hate me.
'I don't hate you'
'You just said you did'
'I did not'
Then, in complete awe like I am mental and don't know I said it my dad is like, "Yeah, you did"
sometimes I think they are such idiots. Bear in mind the monotone false-voice I am using. And I say, Yeah I know I did. But blahblahblah what she just said blabhablhablha
my mom goes off againand I decide I'd rather verbalize how digusting I think she's being than watch the fucking movie anyway. So here I am. Breathing freely away from the tension. Better anyway.

Also in the mist of this my mother has picked up saying I'm like Lily. Which is confusing, because it makes no fucking sense and its so like immature it makes me literally want to vomit. Becuase if it were valid, w/e but she's just like saying things like 'im going to be stupid and talk about my boyfriend' and I'm not doing that. And its just like my mom is a creep.
But besides the point she's also said I just hate everything and I'm negative.
Like they always say
they think its a hilarious joke but i just want to cry
becuase of course i hate everything. I go to school with fucking morons. Some of my friends are fucking morons. My teachers are morons the people on the street are fucking morons. Pop culture is digusting. My family thinks I'm an asshole and I am their running joke. Everything I do like is severly put down by them. I don't see how that can even happen in such a liberal household, but it does. I don't get to do what I want when I grow up. I can't get a boyfriend and my mom has been saying I won't get a date to prom since I was in eigth grade. I have acne and I dont like the way i look. my grades are so average is mind numbing and i don't get to go to a good college like i always wanted. fuck, i cant even go to a shitty college.
sometimes i can be happy and ill see something that reminds me of what i dont like about myself, or how i dont get to go to college, or how i dont have a boyfriend i just feel so empty
and most of the time i feel that empty anyway
when there is nothing going for me other than the sheer luck of being a middle class american instead of some starving orphan somewhere, how am i supposed to be sunny. i wish i could get a fucking break

Incoherent

Lately my writing has been disjointed and unclear. I can't seem to make a coherent point, which is an issue seeing as I need to write three scholarship essays this month. So I'll be blogging more to try and regain and ounce of coherency.

80th post! Jesus, what do I even talk about?

Puffy

Goodbye.

You got in a fight with your mother and feel very contrite.

Coherent?

We’re on the verge. We’re on the verge of something. Crucial details have yet to be decided. When the outcomes of these decisions reach our ears we still may be on the verge of just some mysterious something, but its direction will become clear.
These decisions are on all our minds. The ‘our’ and the ‘us’ and the ‘we’, of course, is myself and my fellow Americans.
The first crucial detail is the next president of the United States. Laid before us are two choices, Barack Obama and Joe Biden or John McCain and Sarah Palin.
Let us say that Barack Obama has won (both the popular vote and the electoral vote, to simplify things). This is certainly the better choice. Obama sees the importance of making changes to what has been done to this country. He sees the importance of peoples rights, of respect for our government’s structure.
Now, instead, let us say that John McCain and Sarah Palin have won (the popular and electoral votes, once again). In my eyes, this is death of America. In only eight years under the rule of a frighteningly similar candidate, America has been critically wounded in every way imaginable. With John McCain, the wheels put in motion by the current administration will be allowed to continue turning. There is no surviving four more years of this leadership. Unfortunately, that’s only half of the matter. John McCain is very old, and could easily die during his term. Then Sarah Palin would be president, and it is clear that that woman is a complete idiot and a terrible person with little worthwhile political experience. Even if McCain were to survive, Palin has made it clear she would view her job to adhere to whatever the president says, and try to take a large role in the Senate, viewing herself as excluded from the Executive branch. That consideration makes her exempt from crucial points in the checks and balances that ensures all things in the government are fair and in the interest of the people, and that no one person or small group of people is in charge. It would be a horrible situation.
So what do these two outcomes, these crucial details, mean to the verge of the American people?
If McCain wins, were are most certainly on the verge of a revolution, death or a combination of the two.
If Barack Obama wins, there is no telling where we stand. Foolishly we will celebrate, because it’s been to long since we’ve had any victories. In the end, we cannot entrust Obama to do everything right, and even if he does we cannot count upon the rest of the government to cooperate. It’s a dangerous waiting game, we could be saved or we could be in deep trouble that comes much later. It’s a pessimistic view, I understand, but it’s also something to consider. We cannot take for granted that a small change on a grand scale will fix our woes. That all the mistakes made in the past could be undone, or that they will continue to be made.
Finally, there is the possibility of Barack winning the presidency with the electoral votes, and the popular vote moving for McCain. If that is the case, what can we think of the American people? The American people make this country. If we cry out for a terrible leader, it is who we deserve. It’s a moral paradox for the popular vote to lose when their choice is so very, very wrong. If that happens, if the popular vote goes to McCain, I don’t know that we are the great nation I hold in my heart.
And if Barack wins the popular, but McCain takes the electoral vote and the candidacy (bringing up bitter memories from 2004), if that happens, I pray to god that we start to rise up. Or else this great nation will slip through our grasp.
So we’re on a verge. We do not know what of yet, be we know it depends heavily on what takes place November 4^th and the days that follow. We may be on the verge of a revolution; we may be on the verge of waiting to see if we’re on the verge anymore.

Once

This one time at a flea market this guy thought I stole something.

Every time I think about it I get unreasonably upset. Probably because he was so nice about it.